The Fabulous Lives of Single Black Girls

The Fabulous Lives of Single Black Girls

Women laughing together on urban rooftop
Fabulous life of single Black Girls as I imagine it

Here’s some Sunday morning tea; my truth that I’m compelled to SPEAK. I am often envious of the seemingly fabulous lives of single Black Girls.  I know social media only shows the highlight reels of life and there’s much we don’t see. And, I must say that I am extremely grateful for my husband and two children.  It just seems the single Black Girls, especially those with no children, have more fun; more time to invest in their self-care and development.

It seems they have more freedom and less responsibility; more opportunities to be out and fabulous. It seems they have stronger sisterhood circles because they have no basis upon which to compare or divide themselves or their time. Married women with children sometimes create distance between each other based on their husbands’ interests or professions and the ages andbeing-mary-jane interests of their children; because your friends have to fit your family. Single Black Girls without children get to “just be” it seems. Even those with just one child seem to have more opportunities to “just be.” I am saying some version of “seems” repeatedly because I don’t know if this is true at all, but this is how it appears and this is how I’ve imagined my own life being if circumstances were reverse. I’m certain single Black Girls have their own specific trials, so don’t look at me like that >>>>>. We all do. These are mine.

 

Having been married for almost eight years now and in a relationship for thirteen, I’ve found it more and more difficult to have depth in new friendships formed and to maintain it in ones that I’ve had because of the responsibilities I have to my family.  There’s very little just girlfriend time for me, and most of my friends that I have lived nearby through my entire marriage are single. The one season I’ve had of establishing and nurturing meaningful friendships with other Black Girls since I’ve been married was when we lived overseas. It was the first time I was a part of a community, a Black community, that was predominantly sustained by married Black Girls with children.  There were single and marriedcertainly some fabulous single Black Girls in our circle, but we were all able to be fabulous with each other because our means supported such a lifestyle.  There was plenty of time and opportunity to be alone or just with each other without our families having to sacrifice greatly from our absence.  The single members of our crew even offered more support by providing care at times for our children, while the rest of us were able to have reprieve. Even now, when my single girlfriends offer this time, it’s the rare opportunity I have to spend alone with my husband, so that’s always how it’s used. Living overseas allowed me to have it all; time for myself, time for my family, time for my husband, and time for my friends. I’ve not had that before or since leaving, which is one of the reasons I still mourn my departure.

sad-black-woman-natural-hair_240x340_57I miss having time and opportunity to be selfish and just consider myself sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with that in moderation. Selfishness itself has such a negative connotation when it’s essential for survival. I miss my freedom and investing in my self-awareness and care. I miss myself at times.  This isn’t me being ungrateful.  I’m nothing but grateful for all that I have. This is me acknowledging the loss of a part of myself that I still miss; that I’m still grieving as a result of my own choices to be a wife and mother. Whenever there is a gain, there consequently is a loss.

So, I smile when I see the pictures of the seemingly fabulous lives of single Black Girls flooding my timeline and I imagine my single self inserted into those pictures.  I adorn the image in attire fit to slay and I send her on amazing trips to exotic destinations. The picture is only interrupted by the request for milk or a play date and I am jolted back to the reality that my life isn’t just for me, as it seemingly could be if I were single. slay

 

10 thoughts on “The Fabulous Lives of Single Black Girls

  1. As someone who’s lived on every side of this coin, I’d say the grass is greenest where you water it. You’re a woman who is intentionally shifting an entire race of people against centuries of systemic oppression. It’s certainly within your power to create the sister circle you yearn for. Bust out your vision board, ma’am. I’m still a believer that we can have it all. Doesn’t mean it will all come easily. Also, I’m always available and down for a girls trip to an exotic destination…in search of some married, haute mama sister friends myself these days…

    1. That’s so much easier said than done girl. Trust me. I am trying though. Most of my closest friends are not near me, save two or three. I’m still building and establishing those friendships, which proves difficult because most other women operate under the auspices of “no new friends” and can be very clique-ish. If not that, then most assume I’m fine. Everyone assumes I’m fine because I’m strong and a leader and vocal and…. We often make these assumptions about each other. I’m not always fine.

  2. I’ve read this three times now. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday regarding relationships and where we thought we would be right now. We are both single mothers and often wonder what life would have been like had we chosen different paths 8 years ago. If we were just single ladies minus our kids. I have a sister that goes and does what she wants when she wants. I have another sister who’s been married since she was out of high school and is finding her path outside of the wife and mom hat that she’s worn for a long time now. And I’m trying to find that balance, that yes I can still have a life outside of my child. That it’s ok to be selfish sometimes and not be on 24/7. That my friendships don’t have to be neglected because I can’t just go like my single friends and married friends with no children can do.
    However, reading this has taught me that just because my friends marry doesn’t mean they don’t need their friends anymore. They are still individuals who want their friendships to continue and still need their sisterhood circle. At the end of the day no matter what we need each other and to self care to better for those around us, Back Talk! 🙂

    1. Absolutely sis!! We are all out here trying to figure out the balance, and trying to hold on to some sense of ourselves amidst all the roles we play and desires we have. Thank you for reading love.

  3. Wow I was JUST thinking I needed to write about the quiet fear I can’t shake. My greatest fear as a member of the “Single and Fabulous” is never having the opportunity to mourn my departure. Thank you for writing this, it is confirmation that I need to invest more time and attention in self care while I can. I know this part is temporary. :0)

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